Half Baked

by Mike

So I was at home the other day, and Dad asked me to sweep the gravel up in the parking lot behind my Mom's store. I set to work with the trusty push broom, but it's slow going; it's a decent sized lot, and there's a whole lot of gravel. So I get to thinking: is there any way I could clean up the gravel and have fun at the same time? And the answer hit me: bake them into cookies, say they're chocolate chips, and give them to the homeless!

So I start to gather ingredients to make a really big batch of cookies. First, I head down to the nearest chicken farm to gather all the eggs. Then I hit up Wisconsin for a whole lot of butter, get a bunch of flour out of Iowa, and wind up just stealing all the sugar in Louisiana (I'm now worth half a million there, dead or alive). I hit a bit of a snag in trying to find a big enough bowl to mix it in; long story short, I had to drain the Gulf of Mexico. Not that hard, except that I had to beat up a bunch of pirates from down in the Caribbean who didn't like the idea of being the scourges of a mere six seas.

With the cookies done, I had accomplished my primary objective and cleaned up the gravel. But I hadn't fulfilled my plan, which is using these cookies to feed the homeless. So I set up a sign saying "Free Chocolate Chip Cookies" and chased off anyone who looked like they had a job. Once word got around, there were winos lined up for a good half mile. But it turns out that eating rocks, even in cookie form, is not good for anyone, least of all bums with little or no functioning liver. So in the end I had to come up with a plan to make sweeping dead winos out of the parking lot fun... but that's another story.