Half Baked

by Mike

So I was at home the other day, and Dad asked me to sweep the gravel up in the parking lot behind my Mom's store. I set to work with the trusty push broom, but it's slow going; it's a decent sized lot, and there's a whole lot of gravel. So I get to thinking: is there any way I could clean up the gravel and have fun at the same time? And the answer hit me: bake them into cookies, say they're chocolate chips, and give them to the homeless!

So I start to gather ingredients to make a really big batch of cookies. First, I head down to the nearest chicken farm to gather all the eggs. Then I hit up Wisconsin for a whole lot of butter, get a bunch of flour out of Iowa, and wind up just stealing all the sugar in Louisiana (I'm now worth half a million there, dead or alive). I hit a bit of a snag in trying to find a big enough bowl to mix it in; long story short, I had to drain the Gulf of Mexico. Not that hard, except that I had to beat up a bunch of pirates from down in the Caribbean who didn't like the idea of being the scourges of a mere six seas.

With the cookies done, I had accomplished my primary objective and cleaned up the gravel. But I hadn't fulfilled my plan, which is using these cookies to feed the homeless. So I set up a sign saying "Free Chocolate Chip Cookies" and chased off anyone who looked like they had a job. Once word got around, there were winos lined up for a good half mile. But it turns out that eating rocks, even in cookie form, is not good for anyone, least of all bums with little or no functioning liver. So in the end I had to come up with a plan to make sweeping dead winos out of the parking lot fun... but that's another story.

Kazaa-pped

by Samus

This afternoon, on a Memorial Day weekend, I found myself on my machine, a.k.a. my computer. At the time it had been repressed by the two evil entities, Spyware and Adware. But today, I decided to wage a war against it. My first plan, to replace the one place on my computer where the two evils lie, KaZaA. I looked all around the database known as the world wide web, until I discovered a new hope, KaZaA Lite. I first destroyed KaZaA, and then hired a policeman for the computer to destroy the two evils. Finally, I downloaded KaZaA Lite for good, and the evils were destroyed... for the time being.

Meta-Mundane

by Ian

"So now that you're out of class, you're gonna join IMAS, right?" Kyle said.

"Uh yeah!" I lied. What was I going to write? What mundane things had I done recently in my life of constant excitement, of hot cars and fast women? My mind raced frantically. Breakfast... no, breakfast had the exploding Cheerios incident... shower... no, because there was that deal with the grape juice coming out of the shower head... The shadow of failure descended upon me. What was I going to write? What was I... How... My vision grew dim. I felt faint.

"Make it as long or as short as you want," Kyle said.

The darkness cleared from my sight. Suddenly my path seemed very clear.

Quest for the Pen

by Jen

There I was... alone... in my bed... surrounded by some of the most dangerous creatures known to man: an organic chemistry textbook, notebook, and problem set. Things were beginning to heat up, with less than 24 hours to conquer the beast before I had to offer it up before the God of Organic Chemistry (who, coincidentally, is short and skinny... if it wasn't for the chemistry, I could totally kick her ass). I was about to tackle a synthesis problem when, suddenly, I realized I was totally unarmed! My trusty Pen of Might and Ink was missing! Like a tiger (well, more like a tired student with two sleeping feet), I leapt off my bed. I peered through the sprawling jungle under my bed, searching for my missing weapon, and seeing things that no person should ever have to witness (Shoes the size of my feet! They were thiiiiiis big, I swear!).

Turning quickly, I began to search through the chaos that is my desk, hoping against hope that I would find my missing Pen. Suddenly, I saw it! My Pen! I stalked it, slowly and stealthily, like a bull in a china shop. I reached out my hand to grab it and then- "You've Got Mail." Turning my attention to the secret transmission, I forgot all about the Pen. After communicating with my secret comrades, I returned to my bed, ready for another round with the Orgo Beast. Suddenly, I realized that I'd left my Mighty Pen back on my desk! Knowing what I must do, I inhaled deeply and turned to face the chaos to rescue my Pen.

The Milk Test

by Bruce

So, yesterday at 11pm I was buying some milk, and I'm staring at 7 gallons of milk, and a river of spilled milk. Most of the full gallons were dented up, and I wasn't going to buy them, but one seemed ok. However, I knew there was a test to show how good the milk was. I couldn't remember it, so first I scratched the plastic, and then smelled it, but then I remembered that only works for melons. I held it up against a light, and tried to see if I saw any light, but I knew that was a Swiss cheese test. Then, I remembered! If I rolled the gallon on the floor, and it turned right then it was fresh! So, away went the milk, and it was moving! I had to chase it down two aisles, and it was turning right the whole way. I knew this was the freshest milk ever seen. That's when it burst. All over the owner. I decided it was time to go...